The Final Solution
by KaoticWhim
Summary: A fill for the tumblr hetalia kink meme. Prussia and Japan are currently in a relationship, and Germany needs to break them up, if only for his own sanity. A bunch of crack. Please enjoy. XD
1. Chapter 1

**The Final Solution**

AN: I had to write it. I just had to. I hope you enjoy my effort!:D If you can guess where the baby line came from, you win a virtual cookie!3

It was driving Germany crazy.

Every time he passed by any room in the house, his brother and Japan were sure to magically be in it. They would be giggling, or feeding each other grapes, or watching TV curled up in each other's arms. Or worse, they'd be kissing. And not _just_ kissing. Overwhelmingly, sickeningly sweetly chaste kissing.

"Oy, bruder," Prussia waved breathlessly at him as he passed by with a basket of laundery. "If Japan and I had a baby, wouldn't the baby be cuter if it looked like Japan?"

The smaller man blushed modestly. "No, no, Prussia-kun. It should look like you. Your eyes are so beautiful."

Prussia squealed in an extremely unmanly way, hugging Japan. Germany gritted his teeth and walked away.

Yes, it simply had to stop.

Germany liked both of them very much. It wasn't as if he wanted to ruin both of their lives or something, but he really wanted them to break up. The pair were embarassing and distracting, not to mention any semblance of their housework was nowhere to be found. Even their bosses had resorted to trying to get them out of the room when ambassadors came to visit.

A nauseatingly high giggle came from the living room, and Germany peeked in and saw to his chagrin, Prussia was blowing raspberries on Japan's stomach.

That was too much. Germany clenched his fists. Oh Gott, he knew he was going to feel guilty for breaking them up, but it simply had to be done. To preserve his image as a _man_. To save them both.

And he knew just how to do it.  
>* * *<p>

"You want me to do what?" Italy squeaked, pasta fork halfway to his mouth

"Shh," ordered Germany, looking around furtively. "You heard me! Something must be done!"

Italy scratched the back of his head nervously.

"B-but is it right? I mean, just look, they seem so happy..."

Both of their eyes trailed to the window overlooking the backyard. Prussia and Japan were sitting together on the grass, gazing into each other's eyes with a loving manner that made Germany want to run for the nearest toilet. They were making rainbow flower chains.

"I guess we _do_ need to do something," Italy finally said.

Germany put a hand on Italy's shoulder. It was the closest he could get to expressing condolences.

"Be brave, Italia. I know you can do it."

Italy nodded and gulped, hard. A determined look came into his hazel eyes, and he walked out with a confident stride.

Germany watched from the window, heart pounding.

Italy took a deep breath and ran at the happy couple. Prussia and Japan looked up in surprise a split second too late before Italy crashed into them both.

Japan cried out, thrown back. There was a moment of silence.

"What the hell?" Prussia demanded, prying Italy off of Japan. His red eyes glinted dangerously.

"Uh..." Italy searched for words. "Hug...?"

"No," Prussia snapped possessively. He helped Japan up, who immediately clung to his shirt. "Are you okay, babe? Did the big scary Italian hurt you?"

"I-I'm fine," Japan whimpered. Prussia whirled on Italy.

"_What were you thinking, running into him totally unawesomely like that? You could have killed him!"_

"I'm s-sorry!" Italy wailed. He trembled, still down on the grass. He took a deep breath, and Germany braced himself.

"_KIKU HAD SEX WITH GREECE!"_

Both of them were struck speechless by the outburst.

Prussia was the first to speak, ignoring the way Japan's face blushed crimson.

"Darling..." He licked his dry lips and tried to find the right words. "Is...it true?"

Japan's eyes glistened with tears. "It was years ago, Prussia...a mistake I shall never repeat."

He took Prussia's hands in his own, and the trees ruffled their hair.

"I love you. I will always love you. There is no one else I could possibly love more, and I hope you will forgive me the mistakes of the past. When I first met you, I knew that was a true love!"

Tears coursed down Prussia's cheeks. He hugged Japan to his chest.

"I do forgive you, baby. And I shall act as though it never happened, because I love you so much...Nothing could ever shatter that."

Japan squeezed Prussia back, tears of joy coming down and sparkling like diamonds in the sunlight.

"Oh, Gilbert..."

"Kiku, my darling one..."

Meanwhile, Germany's jaw had dropped open to the floor, and it wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. He was in a state of shock, no, _trauma_. His reputation was gone, zip, zilch, nil. He would have to share a house with these two lovers for his whole life.

Italy sniffed as he walked back in. He wiped emotional tears from his eyes.

"Aren't they just gorgeous together?"

Germany's face twitched, and Italy had to note, he had never seen Germany throw a tantrum like that before.

I could write a sequel if anyone is interested...something involving the BFT. *shrug*


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**AN: ****Dis is a sequel. Enjoy! 3**

**...Because no one on the tumblr kink meme did. _ But seriously, this pair make me gigglesnort chocolate milk...**

It was a beautiful sunny day. Too wonderful for work. Germany looked around at the blissfully empty house, and decided something rare was in order.

He deserved a vacation. A small one, of course. He deserved it, of course. After working so hard and caring for Italy and two lovers, who didn't? Especially when said lovers were halfway across the world on a quest to picnic atop Mt. Fuji…

They had left early in the morning, only leaving a note behind. Something about how Prussia was demonstrating his willingness to walk the world for his, quote "darling awesome babe."

Well, whatever. Point was, they were gone. And Germany could attend to his own peace of mind.

Germany opened some beer and headed into the living room, intending to watch some television. Unfortunately, all dreams of even a small break were dashed as soon as he came in. The can of beer fell from his hands.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded. Prussia and Japan looked up from the couch, not breaking their almost permanent embrace.

"_Guten Morgen, bruder,_" Prussia greeted. "We're back! "

"And we stopped at Starbucks and got you coffee, Ludwig-san," Japan added.

Prussia pecked his cheek fondly. "Call him your brother-in-law, my little awesomeness…"

"Oh. A coffee, for my bro-"

"Why," Germany interrupted, "Are you two back so early?"

"Oh," said Prussia, sitting up and pulling Japan into his lap. "We took Japan's car, and we were driving to the airport-"

"Which we never got to," Japan cut in, and Prussia kissed him again.

"Next time, my little angel puff…anywho, we weren't even halfway there when the chauffer kicked us out of the car. The nerve, to kick our awesome selves anywhere, right? So we went to Starbucks, got a coffee, and went home by bus. Lover's discount."

"Anything else?" Germany asked sarcastically. Prussia held up a cup with pink hearts on it.

"We got an ice coffee. And…we're going to drink it with _two_ straws. In the same cup, bro."

Germany kneaded his forehead, and Japan nudged him. Looking down, he saw Japan was holding out a ripped pair of pants.

"I'm sorry_, _brother-in-law," he said apologetically, "The bus driver closed the door on Prussia's clothes when we got out. It must have been a terrible accident. I mean, it must have…"

It was then that Germany noticed Prussia was wearing no pants whatsoever. Before he could point it out, Prussia screeched and clapped his hands.

"Ohhh, Kiku, don't call him brother-in-law anymore!"

Japan blinked, confused. "Why-"

Prussia hugged him tightly. "Just think! Wait for it…what if he was our AWESOME son?"

Japan's hands flew to his mouth, a delicate flush on his cheeks. He squealed in a very not-gay way. At all.

"Oooh, Prussia-kuuun!"

"I know, it's awesome, right? And here's the bomb, babe…" Prussia clasped him close as a little yellow bird chirped and lighted onto Germany's shoulder from hammerspace.

"…Gilbird can be his little brother! _Kesesese!_"

The couple fell into breathless laughter, then proceeded to make out on the sofa.

Germany looked over at Gilbird, who tweeted and cocked its head.

"Uh…hello."

"…tweet."

Germany retreated into his own room, but not even closed doors could prevent the sounds of "Oooh, Prussia-kun!" and "You're almost as awesome and hot as me, babe."

Germany groaned and tried to ignore them politely, but it wasn't easy. What had gone wrong last time he had tried to break them up?

"P-Prussia…_ah!_ Gilbert!"

"So awesome, baby…~"

"F-five meteeeeers…"

Germany picked up the phone. This sort of thing, he decided, required backup.

The house was dark when Germany entered. The door had been left unlocked for him. He looked around warily before stepping into the living room.

"…Enter," a softly accented voice ordered from the black shadows. "_If you dare."_

Germany squinted, unable to make anything out in the pitch darkness.

"Why have you come here, _mon cheri_?" another voice commanded.

"I told you over the phone," said Germany. "And you told me to come to your house. Why are all the lights out?"

The voice sighed. "You love to kill small talk, _oui?_ And come to think of it…Spain, why did you kill the lights? It makes my eyes hurt…"

"…Sorry, France."

The lights came on. France and Spain were sitting on the couch.

"Honestly, why did you turn them off? You told me there was a power outage!" France fretted.

Spain shrugged.

"I put up glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling. I wanted Germany to come in here, look at the ceiling, and go, 'Oh my God! _Ay caramba!_ There's no ceiling , just sky!' Cool, _si?"_

France and Germany just stared at him.

**AN:**** I'm bad. XDD I'll leave the cliffhanger hangin' there. There will be another chapter, don't worry….:D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**AN:**** GOTT I'M SORRY TAT OTL AAAAAAAAAAAAAH EVANGELINE-NOOOOOOOOOOEL**

**My update is so. so. SOOO overdue. You are going to kill me when you learn I've actually had this and the next chapter typed up long ago. I didn't have access to a computer. It's a long, painful story of love and isolation, but it will have to wait for another time. Let these updates suffice...*bow***

**Warnings for an overdose of marshmallow fluff, French amour, and a Spanish!Yet!Sexy!Idiot! I don't own Hetalia nor Italy or Sealand, though I plan to try to buy both those countries sometime in the near future. Maybe.**

**Evangeline-Noel...? The username is familiar...I do believe she used to stalk me on DA where I was EclecticNyx and wrote Death Note. Hmm.**

**Sorry for not replying to any of your delicious reviews. ;_; I have no time…long story. But I love you all~ Now go read my chapter and depart this fiendish AN! I LOVE YOU COMPADRES~**

Prussia awoke to Japan's sleeping face across from him in the bed. Japan looked so relaxed in slumber, all of his usual propriety gone. Prussia ruffled and kissed his black hair, heart swelling at how nice his lover was to wake up to in the morning.

Japan mumbled, opening his eyes. Prussia grinned.

"_Guten Morgen_, my little awesomness..."

** "**Mm, Prussia-kun..." Japan allowed himself a small smile, cuddling into the man's broad chest. The albino fumbled for his cell phone, snapping a quick photo. Japan screwed up his face and raised his hands.

"No, no, no pictures..."

Prussia nuzzled his cheek. "But you look so adorable in the morning, my chick. _Gott_, I love you so much...!"

Japan sighed, eyes fluttering shut. "I love you too, Gilbert."

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the lovesick couple, a certain twosome were busy spying on them from beneath the bedroom window.

"I would hate to destroy such pure love," France commented. "But we must...for the sake of our reputations as the Bad Touch Trio...but, _ah,_ the sheer tragedy of it all..."

Spain popped up next to him, curly head covered in leaves.

"I found a cute baby spider!" he said cheerily, holding up what appeared to be the biggest mass of black fur with fangs France had ever seen. "I'm going to name him Romano-_dos, si, si! Uno, dos, tres-_"

France smacked it out of his hands. "That's a black widow!"

"...Oh."

France glanced out of the corner of his eyes, catching sight of an older woman walking her dog down the sidewalk. He raised his eyebrows. It was a French poodle, no less, with beatifully immaculate hair that reminded him of himself. He tried to catch her eye, but she willfully turned away, tossing her shiny pink tresses and bobbing her tail-

Spain tapped his shoulder, interrupting his reverie.

"Uh, Francia...are you hitting on an old _abuela_'s doggy?"

France flushed an angry red. "_Non!_"

Spain seemed to be relieved. "Ohhh, good! Flirting with puppies is bad! Bestiality is illegal on this planet!"

France wisely did not ask for clarification on the last sentence. He glanced over at Prussia and Japan in each other's arms.

"That's it! I have an wonderful idea!" he cried.

"What kind of idea?" Spain chirped. He was using France's favorite fountain pen to draw a wristwatch with four hands on his elbow. "A good idea, or a bad idea, or a semi-sorta-mostly-okay-but-not-idea?"

"Tell me," Austria said icily, pushing his glasses up his nose, "Why are we doing this and not _you_?"

Austria and Italy were seated in a cozy German cafe, France and Spain sitting opposite.

"Well," France said, leaning forward. "Prussia's current relationship bothers you, doesn't it, Austria?"

Austria folded his arms. "Yes," he answered stiffly.

France nodded. "And you want them to break up, _non, mon petit ou_?"

"They had _interactions_ on my piano. Yes. Again, why can't you two do it?"

Spain's hands flew to his mouth. "Oooooh, I can't cheat on my Romanoooo~!"

He shook his head furiously, blinking green eyes rapidly. France nodded again.

"I...am dating a girl. Very serious. I simply cannot."

Austria lifted a single eyebrow. "Really, France? What does she look like?"

France flushed.

"Um...she's small, has pink hair, a little tutu..."

"You mean that _abuela_'s little d-" Spain began, but France snatched the pepper shaker and shook it into his eyes.

"I'm really really sensitive and it's _really really _serious and I don't want to talk about it!" he shrieked.

It took Spain a few moments to respond.

"Is this pepper?" he asked.

"_Oui._"

"AAAH MI DIOS IT BUUUURNS!"

He writhed in pain on the floor, shrieking in most annoying fashion. No one paid any attention.

Austria seemed nonplussed. "Then…why is Italy in on this whole caper?"

France leaned in a little too close, a smirk on his lips. "Why, Austria," he purred. "Italy is with us because we told him…._the TRUTH._"

Spain sprung up next to the table. Tears were still streaming out of his eyes.

"The truth?" he questioned. France kicked him.

"_Oui._ The _truth._ That Japan is actually—"

"Ooooh yeah, we told a little white lie, Francia…"

Italy bounced excitedly, curl bobbing.

"I always knew Kiku was a pretty girl!" he announced. "It all makes sense now! 'Cause, I once saw her after a bath, and it really explains why, why it's so small, her—"

France quickly grabbed the pepper again, shaking it vigorously on Italy's face.

"For the fic's rating," he explained as Italy screamed and fell over. Austria kneaded his forehead.

"Now, for the _seduction_ part of this plan…"

**AN: Expect another chapter soon. I'm working on a fic titled **_**Crisalida,**_** and it deals with Spain and Romano's relationship and death. It's much more serious than this one, so expect that up sometime too. Thank you to whoever said my Spain was written well! His character is based loosely off of my favorite Spain cosplayer ever, PlatinumSpeed! LOOK AT THAT BATSHIT INSANE MAN. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL SQUEE~ You can find him on a certain video uploading site! **

**I KNOW I SAID THIS BEFORE, BUT I LOVE ALL YOU PEOPLE SO HARD.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:**** Why, hello, new shiny chapter. How you been? Haven't seen you in way too long, man. You lost weight!**

**Yeeeeah. This chapter is overdue, as are all my chapters. I'm slow. Onward, ****Christian**** fanfiction soldiers! *pant pant***

**I don't own Hetalia, Himuraya does. Even though we both draw the same way it doesn't count, because his stuff is selling and not mine TAT Well, enjoy. Review. Spit on it. IDK OTL…**

It was doubtful Austria had a single seducing bone in his body.

But after all, he _had_ won Hungary over with his charm and charisma, courting her by moonlight, sending her flowers, slaying dragons…

Oh. Wait. Hungary had done all those things. Oh, well.

Austria sighed long and loud, smoothing down the front of his tailored suit. He brushed back his hair and fought to put on contacts in his eyes when Italy stepped in.

The Italian did a little turnaround in front of the full length mirror. He licked his finger and slicked his eyebrows.

"What if Japan really falls for one of us in this ridiculous plan?" Austria asked him. "What then? I know Hungary will approve even if we do not…"

Italy didn't seem to hear him. He undid a few of the top buttons on his leather jacket to expose the smooth flesh of his chest. Italy blew a kiss to the reflection.

"Watch out, _bella_," he purred in a deep voice that took Austria aback. "Sexy's coming."

With that, he ran out of the restaurant's bathroom, already deeply intent on his mission.

Austria followed. He felt like _dying_, this was going to be so embarrassingly undignified…He caught sight of Italy swaggering towards Prussia and Japan's table, his hips wagging.

Unfortunately, no one had told the young virgin he had as much chance as a forty-year old single geek at a beauty pageant.

_I'm going to speak with France about awakening Italy's Casanova persona as little as possible, for the own boy's sake…_

Italy came to a reeling stop before his destination. Once there, he leaned casually against one of the wall's supports while crossing his legs salaciously and trying to look blasé.

"_Ciao, bambino,_" he said conversationally. Japan looked up from his lunch. "How y'doing?"

"Italia-kun?" Japan asked. "What are you doing here?"

Italy stepped forward and leaned down, trying to flex his arms. He quickly gave up trying to squeeze any musculature out the limb, however.

"Oh, you know, nothing much. Just hanging around, saw _you_, thought I might drop by…"

Prussia looked at him with a strange look. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Feli. Maybe you and me can play video games later. Right now, I'm kind of in the middle of an awesome date."

Italy snapped, and it was as if a gigantic rubber band had been broken. He fell to his knees as if he had been struck by lightning.

"Ohhh, Kiku!" he cooed. "You wanna go with me somewhere? Please? _Please?_ _Bella!_ Kiss, kiss!"

He blew a kiss for good measure, bouncing up and down as Japan rapidly reddened. The chair scraped as Prussia got up from his chair.

"Okay, what in the _name of Fritz_ is going on?" he demanded. "I really like you Feli, but why are you hitting on my little Awesomeness?"

"I'm sorry," said Italy amiably. "But I can't help it! She's soooo pretty..! Yoohoo! Kiku! Baby! Kiss, kiss~!"

"You know what, leave _him_ alone before I take care of you!" Prussia growled, and Japan gave a little squeak at the entire impropriety of the situation.

Italy's eyebrows knitted in confusion as the revelation struck, and France, Austria and Spain simultaneously slammed their faces into their palms.

Italy reached out and seized between Japan's legs, and Japan screamed.

"_Mamma Mia!_ It is true! You really are a guy! But a really really pretty guy!" Italy exclaimed. "Can I still have a kiss kiss?..."

Prussia's eyes twitched, and everyone knew what was coming. Austria ducked just in time as a huge platter of casserole smashed against the wall.

**AN:**** *cough* Why, yes, I do love the idea of Italy possessing a "Casanova" side…Next chapter, here we come! :D**

**Lately I'm into DreamWorks' Penguins of Madagascar…like humanized-wise, yeah. Doubt I'll write any fanfiction for it, but probably a hella lotta fanart. **

**Good Lord, I've been into Hetalia for almost **_**two years**_**? None of my previous obsessions even lasted that long…Wow. 0_o And I still don't feel like its going to go, like ever. So stay tuned for more delicious crack behind the dumpster at school. **

**Y'know the place, kid. Place and time….bring cash. Or chocolate.**


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